The Reason Why
by Riki-Tiki-Tabby
Summary: Light can't explain the reason why he committed such a horrible crime. The crime he would never forget and yerns to understand. "L, Would you forgive me?" L x Light -M- for language and a tad bit gory


_**A//N:**Thought I'd try my hand at angsty/gory and see what happened. I usually don't write it, so hopefully I didn't ruin the concept too much. '''_

Oh, and forgive the OOC I know it's gotta be extreme, especially Light. ''' and the grammar, never good with that stuff ''' But I still hope you like it.

Disclaimer: I do not own Light, L, Death Note anything, blah blah blah. The end :3

_**Anywho: Read and Enjoy :3**_

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**The Reason Why**

_Why can't I get him out of my mind?_

The sentence had rung in Light's mind so much and for so long that sickness and regret has festered in the depths of his entire being … for far too long.

Ever since that chaotic day had ensued; the day he **murdered** _L_.

Little by little, he began to slowly lose his mind ... his brilliant, sick mind.

_Why … does it always hurt so much to just hear his name? Hell it … it hurts enough just thinking about him … but … Why do I always feel so …_

_Lost._

_All the time … damnit. I just wish I knew._

It was his consequence; his regret had turned him into more than just his body in an eerie and sickening pain. Regret for his hideous crime had completely shrouded his mentality into something so much worse. An eternal feeling he couldn't describe.

Now, Light Yagimi, possibly one of the greatest criminal masterminds in the entire world, has now fallen to his knees in undying regret.

How is such a 'humane' feeling possible for the merciless Kira, infamous for his crimes and legendary for his very _in_humane soul? Kira, whom had slaughtered thousands with a flicker of his own hand made possible by the sheer insanity of his ingenious mind, was now faced with a devouring emotion both of regret and … loneliness? How is such possible for Light Yagimi?

It had driven him to his limit not knowing the answer to why he had these feelings and they remained out of his grasp for so long.

He couldn't place it, he didn't want to; he feared that if he named these feelings that his power, his evil forged soul, would vanish. And it would. In its place there would be once again his morals and his humanity, however in small doses, but still his human soul would come back to him.

He didn't want to separate with _his_ righteous power. Yet now, after he'd sunken into the pits of despair, he wanted more than anything to just know the mind-boggling answer to the horrible riddle of these sickening feelings. After all, what else did he have to lose?

He'll learn soon enough.

Though even now, his pride still lingered in his rotting body; still he refused to repent for his terrible crimes; still he refused to admit he was a **murderer.**

Maybe that was why the answer never came to him so easily?

_Why do I … feel nothing but the emotions I'd felt with him? Why-why do I always and only remember him? Everyday … every night … all the time … all I can think about … is him. Why…?!_

Sooner than he realized, his sister was traumatized after being kidnapped, forced to be in the middle of a criminal plot, starring up into the barrel of threatening guns in fear of her only life, and God knows what else while she was held hostage to those filthy thugs. And since the beginning, it was all because of him. Just as he'd predicted, she would forever be traumatized and always shadowed by endless darkness. Thus, his mother would also be chained to his wrongful undoing, because she would never again leave her daughter's side, even in the face of the most pure darkness.

After that, time didn't feel like it took affect on him anymore but already months had come and gone. He had spasms at night from his nightmares, though Misa would never notice; he'd slip out of bed before they happened. Every time he dreamed, he'd see L's face under his with those widening black eyes full of shock and an unnamed emotion that drove him even more insane. That image would wake him with sweat rolling down his face. But for some reason, he would wake with just enough seconds to slip out of bed unnoticed before he started shaking severely, his heart pounding violently, and the image of L's dying face never vanishing even with his waking eyes.

_Why did he look up at me … with those eyes the way he did? Why do I still care… so much… why would I not care… what is going on with me…?_

It was the day that his father died, the day Michel shot him, but it was he who initially _killed_ him. It was the day _he_ killed his father that his deteriorating mind had _really_ begun to take its remorseful toll on him. It felt like every second of the day his innards were being ripped out and salt was pouring in. His dreams were even worse nightmares where he gave up sleeping next to Misa and slept on the couch, the floor, anywhere, claiming to do more research. The compulsions were much, much worse.

Several more months had come and gone. Throughout the day he was surrounded by his enemies that were disguised as his allies, so he had no choice but to remain stable and in control, as always. All the while, his body and mind was in constant pain and turmoil threatening to give into uncontrollable madness any second. Every night felt like a living Hell.

He'd thought that all of this pain was caused by not knowing the answer to that one chaotic question. Though, soon he started to realize, slowly but sure enough, that that couldn't be just it …

Why … why … why…?!

Now his thoughts were a single shot; always he asked why, knowing that thinking anything else, _any_ other word no matter how seemingly insignificant, would twist and morph into L's face, his words, his rare empty smiles, his image, his memory, everything and anything that was remotely similar to L would flash across his mind in split seconds. Not that it helped a lot, but every time he asked the world 'why?' it seemed to be the only clear word in his hazy mind.

He ran now. He just ran. The pride in him was running for his meaningless life, but Light's soul would've stood motionless if it had been a real being. Though, right now, it weighed so heavily on his heart and mind that to him it really _was_ the heaviest thing in the world.

Kira had finally been discovered. It was now that he didn't care.

As he ran for his life, bullet holes in his sides, in his stomach, one had nearly pierced his heart, he didn't care.

His body was pumped full of sickening adrenaline as he ran through the familiar streets and across train tracks. Yet now, he felt like he was finally …

At peace. How very twisted that seems.

As his pride ran for him, he thought.

… _So this is why …_

_I've always regretted …_

_My sin._

_It was because …_

_I loved you, L. I still do … I always will…_

_I … I never wanted to kill you …_

_I never wanted to … leave you._

_I wanted you. I needed you. _

_I believe that with all my heart … _

_Now, at the end of my life and everything, I finally see…_

He fell to his knees and coughed up an endless stream of irony blood.

_The monster I'd become._

He wrapped his arms around his sore stomach and felt the bones crack where the bullet pierced them. He cried out in pain and coughed up more blood as he did so.

With few heavy breaths he clinched his bloody teeth together and flipped over on his back with all his effort. He cried a horse scream of agony as he felt the bullet wounds rip even wider and blood gushed mercilessly out of every one. Soon the crimson fluid clogged his throat and spewed out of the corners of his mouth, his nose burned as well when the warm red blood forced it's way out. He felt himself starting to shut down. After that, he finally felt his parasitic pride fade away for good.

He closed off his mind from his body's pain one last time.

"In the end … My love for you … never reached you, because I chose power … over you …"

"… For that … and everything else … I'm so sorry … L."

Tears ran down his pale, numbed cheeks. He felt himself drifting and accepted it. Then he heard a voice so chilling and calm, he was breathless.

"_Light…_"

Light had heard that voice many painful times, but right then, it never sounded so good. So real. He lifted his head up centimeters from the thick wood of the staircase he'd collapsed on. He was too numb to feel the pain from before, but that small move felt like it'd zapped every ounce of his energy. He didn't care though, for as soon as he looked up, his eyes widened and glistened with utmost shock.

In front of him, stood L.

"L-L…?" He stuttered, breathing quickly, even though a ton of pressure weighed on his lungs.

Light's eyes watered as he kept them locked on L, who stood smiling gracefully at him.

"This … this isn't … this isn't a dream is it?" Light asked, his voice shaking uncontrollably, in total fear of the answer.

He stopped shaking and inhaled deeply when he saw L's beautiful grin. L stood in his normal slouch and baggy clothes, but to Light, everything about L had always been perfect. His pale skin was radiating a beautiful light and he looked so unbelievably warm, the kind of warmth he'd always had, but people would easily mistake for bitter cold because no one understood him …

No one like Light.

He drank in the sight of L and soon tears streamed down his cheeks and he smiled in pure happiness.

L started to walk towards him seeming to float. He soon crouched down beside Light. His head hovering over Light's and peered into his deep brown eyes as Light gazed into the blackened orbs he'd longed for, for so, so long.

"L …" It hurt so much to lift his arms, but he ignored the pain and lifted his hand to cup L's cheek. He gasped quietly as he felt L's pale, warm skin on his cold fingers. L smiled and put his hand over Light's.

They were both soon lost in each other's eyes. Then L bent down to capture Light's lips in a spellbinding kiss. Tears were still streaming down Light's face and he lifted both his arms to wrap around L's tiny waist, ignoring once again the burning pain. Light kissed his cheek, his forehead, his nose, every ounce of pale beautiful skin he could feel, all the while the tears kept pouring out of his eyes and blood spots soon covered his skin where Light kissed him. Though L didn't mind at all.

"L, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you. I've always love you! Please, forgive me, though I don't deserve it … I could never deserve this … after all I've done …" It was a truly pitiful scene to see, but to L, it was more truly beautiful.

L ran his pale fingers through Light's brown tresses and pressed his forehead to Light's. That serene smile was gracing his lips as he spoke.

"_I forgive you … Light … I've always love you too."_

Those sweet words swelled in Light's bloody heart. The tears stopped, yet his eyes still glistened. Time froze in place as he held L so close and his lips lingered over L's and their eyes always gazed into each other's.

L lowered his head and Light lifted his, their eyes simultaneously closing in perfection. Their lips met in what had to be the most beautiful kiss ever shared.

Somewhere in time their blood covered lips departed and L nuzzled his head in the crook of Light's shoulder. Light ran his crimson fingers through L's jet-black spikes.

… _Let's stay this way forever … L …_

Light smiled as he gazed up at the golden rays of sunlight through the broken roof. His body was cold, yet in all his life he never felt so warm.

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**A//N: **Hope this wasn't too bad '''' Review if it was even remotely good, pretty please? haha.


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